My Inner Core

I was talking to a friend one night and I was telling him how I was actually feeling happy for once. He told me I should write a blog to discuss my inner core about why I was happy. But as my life usually works, I didn't remain happy for long. So I figured this was a good time to discuss what goes on inside me.
Now it's been difficult right now for me to figure this out my self, so my apologies if this doesn't make sense or, I don't know, is confusing.
When I think about myself, about my feelings I guess you can say, I'm some what out of sorts. I can't really recall ever being really truely happy. I mean I'm sure that I have been and I can think of times that I was happy but they never lasted long. That is until I want to say Winter Conference. I think it just really occurred when I met my friends from Campus Crusade and actually had to chance to get to know everyone. I feel like I finally met a group of people I could be completely me around. I mean I've had friends where I could be myself around but they never shared the same beliefs as me so I always felt kind of like the outsider. I'd invite them to go along with me to my church activites or I'd tell them about it, and they would always just tease me and kind of put down my church. But they were my friends and I love them. Then I had my friends from church. We had the same beliefs but I didn't feel as if I could be myself around them because most of them were home-schooled and couldn't really relate to some of the things that I talk about or go through. But my Crusade friends, I just feel like we can relate and we have the same beliefs and I can be myself without having to worry what they think. I feel I am just so blessed to have them in my life. And because of that I began to feel happy. Very happy.
But now, things just don't seem to be going the right way. And I don't know why. I don't even know what is going wrong, it just feels like something is wrong. Lately I've been feeling down a lot, I've been crying a lot more lately (I cry a lot, but I hadn't sad cried for awhile until recently), and I just don't know what to do most of the time. When I see my friends or when I'm around my roommate or my parents I put on a mask to pretend to be happy, some see through it but for the most part I can hide it fairly well. And that's horrible. I shouldn't have to hide these things and I shouldn't want to. But that's what I do, this is who I am. It's hard for me to get out of my old ways, and this is just typical me. When things begin to get hard I convince myself I have no one to turn to and so I keep things bottled up inside. Last time that I happened I ended up having a very angry conversation with God. I'm pretty sure there was yelling involved. And I hate to be angry with God because he only holds my best interest at heart. I can't begin to count the amount of times that has happened to me, I just shut down, most of the time I'm sad, and to me, the sad shouldn't outnumber the happy. But it does and I hate that.
I think the reason why I feel I have no one to talk to is because I feel like I've been losing friends left and right. As soon as I begin to become comfortable and rely on someone, they either let me down or we grow apart. Some friendships I've been able to mend or am in the process of doing so, but things will never be the same to the point where I could confide in them. I think if someone just took a look into my mind they'd get a massive headache because of all the comotion. It's just hard to deal with sometimes. People tell me I've changed and I can see that, I just hope it has been for the better. I've made some big decisions lately and I just hope they were the right ones because there is no going back. I want to be happy, and only happy. I don't want bouts of happiness, I want true fulfilling happiness. I know I need to look to God for this, and when I get in these moods I do talk to Him, however I feel as if I just get angry at Him, maybe not at Him but I take all my anger out on Him. I just wish I could feel confident enough, and trust my friends more so that I could start to confide in at least a couple people without the fear of having them leave me.


sorry for the long post.


Future Posts:
*Apartments
*Jobs
*Randomness of me
*Traffic
*Guarding the heart/ defining moment
*National Anthem
*Singing
*Growing Up
*Crying
*Blast from the Past
*Semi-Trucks
(I know there's a lot to write about but I'll get to them all, I promise.)


Quote:
"If you're eatting steak something special is happening, if you're eatting baloney maybe you're just special."
(had to add a little humor to this!)