Thoughts Out Loud

So I was thinking today. If you're friends with someone for a really long time, or not a long time but you're really close and like you love them right? I mean most friends love each other, but close friends seem to love each other a lot more. So what happens when two friends who love each other in the "I care about you a lot" start to date or become boyfriendgirlfriend can they not tell each other they love each other because it's too soon. Even though they already love each other? Does that make sense. Even if friendship love and romantic love are different would it be bad to still say to your significant other that you love them? Hmm I don't know, just something I was thinking about.

It's Been A While

Oy the last two weeks have been intense. Sorry for the long gap in between updates, it won't happen again...I think. Anyways, I've missed the last end of the week post and here we are at the end of another week, so I'll combine them.
Monday 1: Had to take a political science test, not so sure how well I did on that, everything else that day seemed to go ok, nothing too spectacular.
Monday 2: No school! Yay, it was relaxing yet very boring. There was nothing to do so I was all by myself and lonely and sad.

Tuesday 1: I had work and all we did was a puzzle because they didn't have their work prepared. Other than that it was just another day.
Tuesday 2: Move In Day!!! It was kind of stressful because nothing was working out at first but finally the paper work got settled and we were given our keys! Then I had work as usual but nothing too great there. Then I got really stressed because I thought Ryan was going to bail on me (he was my guaranteed volunteer mover) and I got really upset but then everything worked out fine. Ryan and I moved over a couch and two chairs and a lamp and the tv over, it took us about an hour. Then right when we finished Nat was able to help out for awhile and we got over the futon and my roommates mattress. That night my back was hurting so bad, I think that I lifted wrong.

Wednesday 1: Valentines Day! I had made some super cool valentine cards and passed them out to my close buddies. In my acting class we were given lollipops and in my costume class he gave us chocolate covered espresso beans. Then at Campus Crusade I didn't make it in time for a nametag as usual. It's very sad, I always feel left out because I never get a name tag. But anyways, later that evening Nat dropped some flowers off at my roommate's work for me. It took her by surprise and it was awesome. Then we went to the CSUF v. Long Beach game with a group of friends, we lost, it was sad.
Wednesday 2: Move in day number 2! I actually felt horrible that day. I totally got really mad at Ryan and it made him feel bad and I felt absolutely terrible! I regretted it the moment I hung up the phone with him. I quickly apologized so I'm thinking things are ok but here's a lesson for you all, if you are overly stressed don't take it out on those you care about most. Ryan is the last person I should have ever gotten mad at so it was just bad.

Thursday 1: I stayed up ALL night working on my psychology and english paper, that's about it. It stunk.
Thursday 2: I had work, a late start, it was wonderful. Then I went to my old apartment to grab a few essentials and then stayed the night again at my new place/

Friday 1: I barely made it through my three classes because I was so exhausted. But then after school Cassie and I headed to Porterville for the weekend. Porterville is Cassie's home. It was nice there, so relaxing. And they had a Rally's. I hadn't been there in like five years so I was so so so happy!
Friday 2: Went to school, managed acting class without my buddies and then took a nap. Later I'll head over to Amy Grace and Merrilee's for a Bible Study and then for movie night.

Saturday 1: Cassie and I headed home and I got back in time to catch some of Ladie's Night. It was scary though because I got lost going there and some creepy guy followed me for like 10 minutes and he kept looking at me and I was scared and called my mommy and almost started to cry. But when I got to Jenna's it was ok. We played football in the dark and I was a captain and my team won. We were all just so manly that night! 2319! Then we got lost leaving. It was great!
Saturday 2: My plans consist of mostly packing things up and then at 5:30 I'm attending a Prayer Walk at the school and a barbecue afterwards

Sunday 1: It kind of sucked, I'm not gonna lie. I went down to Costa Mesa in the morning to attend the church that my old youth pastor works at but apparently they forgot I was coming and weren't there. I was very sad because I could really use him right now. But then that night was fun, after church Macgyver and I drove around for awhile and ended up watching half of Never Been Kissed at my apartment.
Sunday 2: I'm going down to Temecula. I haven't been there in awhile and I feel like it's time to make another appearance.


That's the update guys. Nothing too exciting but at least I wrote something!


Future Posts:
*Apartments
*Jobs
*Randomness of me
*Traffic
*Guarding the heart/ defining moment
*Growing Up
*Crying
*Blast from the Past
(I know there's a lot to write about but I'll get to them all, I promise.)


Quote:
"People only see what they are prepared to see."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Moose Hunt

So as many of you know, I am moving out. Next week in fact. Anyways, my roommate and I have somewhat a small obsession for the wonderful animal called a moose. We have decided that we want to theme our bathroom around the moose. So today at Target we were looking for moose stuff, but we couldn't find any! Can you believe that!! I mean why wouldn't a store have moose things?! We thought it was absurd. So now we have to keep hunting around until we find something moose related. If not, we'll become meeses (is that the plural? who knows) and take pictures of ourselves! Yay! We can't wait for our bathroom to be complete!

Do Re Mi....O Say Can You See

I miss singing. I love singing more than anything. I mean, I sing all the time, in my car, in the shower, in the halls at school, in grocery stores, at malls, you name it and I've sung there. But I miss choir, I miss voice lessons, I miss the worship band. Everything. I was in choir for 8 years and I've been singing since I could talk (I have pictures!). I didn't really like voice lessons when I had them but that's just because my teacher was crazy. I wish I was financially stable enough to start up voice lessons again. I just miss the training of the voice. Lately I have on and off days because I don't sing properly like I use to. It's frustrating. And then the thing I miss the most is being part of the worship band at church. I only was a part of it for about 7 months but I loved it. I am forever grateful that our worship leader Grant believed in me enough to give me a chance. That meant the world to me. Especially when one night after I was done singing a girl that I didn't even know came up to me and told me I had one of the most beautiful voices she had ever heard. That was one of the most touching things anyone has ever told me. I mean I'd like to think I have a pretty good voice but I can never be 100% sure. So when people tell me those things, especially out of the blue, it really means a lot. The other night a friend of mine also told me I had an amazing voice. It was totally random and unexpected but I felt very touched. And lately I've been thinking about singing more and more. My friends Nat and Richard are in choir and when they talk about it, it just reminds me of my choir days. I just want to sing! I want to perform again. It's what I love to do! Lately I've been wanting to sing the National Anthem. Well it's not something I've recently wanted to do, I've always wanted to do it, it's one of my goals. But lately the desire has been stronger. Awhile ago I was out to lunch with some people from church and they were going around the table asking everyone what is one thing we want to accomplish before we die. Mine was to sing the National Anthem at a baseball game in a baseball stadium. Any game, any team, any stadium. I just want to so badly. I just wish I knew how to go about doing that.
Singing is my passion and my dream, there's very few things I love more.


Future Posts:
*Apartments
*Jobs
*Randomness of me
*Traffic
*Guarding the heart/ defining moment
*Growing Up
*Crying
*Blast from the Past
(I know there's a lot to write about but I'll get to them all, I promise.)


Quote:
"Only by going too far can one possibly find out how far one can go."
~Jon Dyer

beep! beep!! beep!!!

Semi-trucks scare me. They have for quite sometime now. I think my fear first began when I had to drive my teeny tiny car between two big scary semi's. Plus, they never see my car and so I feel like they are going to run me over. One almost did one time! But the are like on my top list of fears. I have to honk at them just so they know I'm there! However, I learned recently that at night if a semi truck needs to switch lanes, you provide room and then flash your brights at them so that they know they have room. And then they are suppose to flash their lights back to say thank you. If they don't then they are rude and mean and evil. But yea, I'm just not a fan. Although sometimes they are quite comical. Like this one time, my roommate and I were driving on the freeway and this one truck was following a car and the car was moving quite slow so the semi drove around him saw that the driver was talking on his cell and so the semi driver stuck his hand out the window and made a talking sign towards the driver...it was hysterical. But yea, semi-trucks are like the whales of the freeway.



Future Posts:
*Apartments
*Jobs
*Randomness of me
*Traffic
*Guarding the heart/ defining moment
*National Anthem
*Singing
*Growing Up
*Crying
*Blast from the Past
(I know there's a lot to write about but I'll get to them all, I promise.)


Quote:
"Everyone has problems, some are just better at hiding them."

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

It's that time again. Valentines Day. I kind of have mixed emotions about this holiday. I mean it one sense I get really excited over it and act like a kid and I like to go any buy valentines to pass out to all my friends. But then in another sense, it's a holiday focused mainly around couples. People professing their love for one another. As I like to joke around with people I'm 18 years and going strong. Meaning, I'm 18 and I've never had a valentine. It's kind of sad but it's not something I like to dwell on. I would absolutely LOVE it if I had V-day plans even if it was just with friends or something but I'm not going to sit around and mope because I don't have a date. I mean God has someone in mind just for me. I may have met that person and neither of us realizes it but even if not, I am ONLY 18, I've got the rest of my life to have a valentine. But it is kind of hard because there is someone who I like (well actually 2 but we won't get into that) and it's hard to not think how great it would be to be with that person. It's really hard for me to like people because they always just see me as friends and as much as I love our friendship sometimes it's just not enough and certainly not what I'm looking for. But that's ok. This year Valentines Day lands on Wednesday the same day as Campus Crusade so I will get to be around all the people I love, and that's what the day is for anyways right? I will pass out my little goodies because that's what I do and then as of now my plans are to sit at home, eat some ice cream, and probably watch How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. But I'm up for alternate plans if the right offer comes along. Haha yea....Love you guys! I hope Valentines Day is wonderful for all of you, single or not.


Future Posts:
*Apartments
*Jobs
*Randomness of me
*Traffic
*Guarding the heart/ defining moment
*National Anthem
*Singing
*Growing Up
*Crying
*Blast from the Past
*Semi-Trucks
(I know there's a lot to write about but I'll get to them all, I promise.)


Quote:
"If we did all the things that we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves."
~Thomas Edison

My Inner Core

I was talking to a friend one night and I was telling him how I was actually feeling happy for once. He told me I should write a blog to discuss my inner core about why I was happy. But as my life usually works, I didn't remain happy for long. So I figured this was a good time to discuss what goes on inside me.
Now it's been difficult right now for me to figure this out my self, so my apologies if this doesn't make sense or, I don't know, is confusing.
When I think about myself, about my feelings I guess you can say, I'm some what out of sorts. I can't really recall ever being really truely happy. I mean I'm sure that I have been and I can think of times that I was happy but they never lasted long. That is until I want to say Winter Conference. I think it just really occurred when I met my friends from Campus Crusade and actually had to chance to get to know everyone. I feel like I finally met a group of people I could be completely me around. I mean I've had friends where I could be myself around but they never shared the same beliefs as me so I always felt kind of like the outsider. I'd invite them to go along with me to my church activites or I'd tell them about it, and they would always just tease me and kind of put down my church. But they were my friends and I love them. Then I had my friends from church. We had the same beliefs but I didn't feel as if I could be myself around them because most of them were home-schooled and couldn't really relate to some of the things that I talk about or go through. But my Crusade friends, I just feel like we can relate and we have the same beliefs and I can be myself without having to worry what they think. I feel I am just so blessed to have them in my life. And because of that I began to feel happy. Very happy.
But now, things just don't seem to be going the right way. And I don't know why. I don't even know what is going wrong, it just feels like something is wrong. Lately I've been feeling down a lot, I've been crying a lot more lately (I cry a lot, but I hadn't sad cried for awhile until recently), and I just don't know what to do most of the time. When I see my friends or when I'm around my roommate or my parents I put on a mask to pretend to be happy, some see through it but for the most part I can hide it fairly well. And that's horrible. I shouldn't have to hide these things and I shouldn't want to. But that's what I do, this is who I am. It's hard for me to get out of my old ways, and this is just typical me. When things begin to get hard I convince myself I have no one to turn to and so I keep things bottled up inside. Last time that I happened I ended up having a very angry conversation with God. I'm pretty sure there was yelling involved. And I hate to be angry with God because he only holds my best interest at heart. I can't begin to count the amount of times that has happened to me, I just shut down, most of the time I'm sad, and to me, the sad shouldn't outnumber the happy. But it does and I hate that.
I think the reason why I feel I have no one to talk to is because I feel like I've been losing friends left and right. As soon as I begin to become comfortable and rely on someone, they either let me down or we grow apart. Some friendships I've been able to mend or am in the process of doing so, but things will never be the same to the point where I could confide in them. I think if someone just took a look into my mind they'd get a massive headache because of all the comotion. It's just hard to deal with sometimes. People tell me I've changed and I can see that, I just hope it has been for the better. I've made some big decisions lately and I just hope they were the right ones because there is no going back. I want to be happy, and only happy. I don't want bouts of happiness, I want true fulfilling happiness. I know I need to look to God for this, and when I get in these moods I do talk to Him, however I feel as if I just get angry at Him, maybe not at Him but I take all my anger out on Him. I just wish I could feel confident enough, and trust my friends more so that I could start to confide in at least a couple people without the fear of having them leave me.


sorry for the long post.


Future Posts:
*Apartments
*Jobs
*Randomness of me
*Traffic
*Guarding the heart/ defining moment
*National Anthem
*Singing
*Growing Up
*Crying
*Blast from the Past
*Semi-Trucks
(I know there's a lot to write about but I'll get to them all, I promise.)


Quote:
"If you're eatting steak something special is happening, if you're eatting baloney maybe you're just special."
(had to add a little humor to this!)